Things You apparently can't do as a gym employee (Or: Why I've been a labourer for three years)

Sling “black market Russian preworkout” that’s actually just crushed up pez with a little creatine in it.

Pitch “men's yoga pants day” as a solution for company morale.

Start a rumor that the rival gym down the road gives out free soylent as a membership incentive.

Install a fake “lunk alarm” over the Olympic platforms. Livestream the reactions.

Address teens as “broccoli head”.

Pitch a “special event fifa themed group workout sponsored by gymshonk” to capitalize on the fifa hype. It’s actually just me, in a brand name tracksuit and trainers, drunkenly beating the piss out of everyone with a 2 X 4.

Attempt to pitch anything even remotely St. Patrick’s Day related after that.

Dress as a carbohydrate for Halloween.

Hack the stereo system so the overhead speakers play nothing but Madonna and 90’s Riot Grrrrl for the entire month of June.

Deliberately sneeze on everyone who only came back after the vaccine requirement was lifted.

Run a bootcamp. Subcontract theater students to actually teach it. Make them compete to be the one who gets paid by doing their best Sergeant Hartman impressions.

Set up a selfie station; charge for use.